


Haunt Me, Then

by mellodramatica



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Loss, M/M, Post-L's Death, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:21:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26494066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellodramatica/pseuds/mellodramatica
Summary: Light suffers the consequences of getting rid of the one person to ever have made an impression on him.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light, Lawlight - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	Haunt Me, Then

Nothingness.

The result of his careful orchestrations had finally unfolded before him, all according to his plan, the logistics behind it beautifully intricate. It was almost part of a work of art, his own personal showpiece, when L took his last breath; the last piece to fall into place and allow him to finally return to his position of ruling the world as its new god.

Yet in his wake, Ryuzaki had left a gaping void that Light for all his intelligence had not been able to anticipate. Perhaps it lay in the loss of a friend— perhaps he  _ had  _ grown more attached to Ryuzaki than he’d planned during their time together, as is —in hindsight— bound to happen when two people are practically joined at the hip. Perhaps it was the fact that the game had come to an end, that there would be no more battles of wit, no more challenges to sink his teeth into and test his smarts with. Nothing more to fight, just when fighting had become part of the fun. Or perhaps it lay therein that those deep, dark eyes would never look at him with that flash of intuition again, that intense gaze of  _ knowing _ , that wide-eyed stare slowly overcome with wonder. As far as Light was concerned, those looks had always been  _ his _ ; no other members of the task force ever received them. Of course, they had never impressed L the way Light did, had never been close to him the way Light was. Perhaps it lay in the loss of every thoughtless brush of hands, every haphazard nightly touch, every time waking up with Ryuzaki accidentally pressed far closer to him than any friendship called for.

Now looking back, the time spent chained to the detective seemed to be of another world, passing by ridiculously quickly yet coming in flashing colors that couldn’t be described in human words, feelings that could only be expressed through action and reaction. With every accidental touch, every meaningful look —and God, they meant so much— those feelings seemed to grow, novel to the both of them because nobody else had awakened them before. As if, in finding their only worthy opponent in the world, they had also found their only worthy companion.

A night there had been when the fallout of those feelings finally presented itself, erupting with the languid heat of a shield volcano into what could only be described as the natural conclusion to every single touch that had come before. There’d been the light caress of their pinky fingers as they both reached to claim more of their shared sheet, sending an electric shock and a shiver through the both of them. Neither had quickly pulled away the way they normally did, though, as the lack of rattle or their chain betrayed; drunk on sleep, Light’s long fingers had wrapped around L’s wrist and kept it there for a while, at first tight, but soon more gentle, his urgent grip becoming a hesitant caress as their breathing gradually slowed. He’d wanted nothing more than to change his grip, to loosen it, slide his fingers down along the lines of Ryuzaki’s palm to slip between those soft digits and  _ stay there _ . Instead, though, he’d used his hold to roll them towards each other, easily coaxing a sleepy L to lay facing him rather than with his back towards him. In the soft glow of the night, with Light’s hand still around L’s wrist, they had simply gazed at each other, every look speaking more than a thousand words could have done. For that blissful while, L’s eyes had been the only thing in the world, the beauty within their subtle expressiveness unmistakeable to Light.

For all his smarts, he hadn’t realized that seeing those eyes close eternally no more than a month later would affect him so deeply, that it would tear a hole through him even his newly gained place at the top couldn’t fill. There was no more L to be wary of— it was just as much of a curse as it was a blessing.

At least, that’s the best way he could think to fool himself. His attempts to find the blessing within the curse ran ever dry: having free reign over the world seemed much less appealing now that he’d lost such a big chunk of it. Ashamed to admit as much, he never did— kept the sentiment under lock and key, deep down in the pit of his stomach where he hoped it wouldn’t affect him. Sometimes during the day, when the fruits of his labor became clear in the way crime rates had dropped and the meek felt safe and sound, it was almost easy to tell himself that getting rid of L had been necessary for the greater good. The nights, however, when his bed was big, cold and empty and his wrist agonizingly free— that was when loss enveloped him, its arms searing cold, claws gripping at his heart and digging into it. It wasn’t rare for his unwilling mind to fall into a loop of regret, half his thoughts fighting the implications of such pain while the other sought to drown itself in it, if only to feel something. No more him. No more Ryuzaki. Had to happen— but why? No. No, he should have lived.. There should have been another way.. Another way, through which in the very least that wide-eyed gaze could be spared— did he dare describe it as trusting, when their whole underlying feud had been L’s correct assumption that Light was Kira? And yet far too often, those deep, dark eyes had conveyed a sense of the most intimate trust…

The recollection of that stare as he lay curled up in bed made him double over, oh so slowly, still trying to pretend his overwhelming pain had nothing to do with L, nothing at all. Hands in his hair and eyes squeezed shut, he let the torment wash over him without emitting so much as a peep, the silent contortions of his body nonetheless unmistakable.

L. His enemy, his friend, and the one person in the entire world who had ever felt like his match.

If only he had been.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Carly, with whom I've been able to live the Death Note experience once more. 
> 
> Feel free to comment anything you'd like, I love hearing your thoughts!!


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